Musings of a Fat Man

I wanted to entilte this the "Memoirs" of a fat man, but I can't do so with a clean conscience thinking about real memoirs, the kind from people who have actually had something interesting happen in their life, or at least can tell the mundane details in an interesting way.
My second choice was to write a manifesto. But, I don't really want to tell people how they should act and what they should do or not do. I can't even figure out for myself the answer to any of the above. Plus, I'm not really angry at anyone, and I don't think you can write a manifesto in response to disappointment.
I did figure that I could swing some musings, however. Musings, being somewhat shallower than deep thoughts, should be my cup of tea. I did briefly consider the term "Observations", but as I have no illusions about being but subjective, I quickly ruled that out. And in the spirit of full disclosure, because my first two choices began with the letter "M", I could only have chosen a third option that also began thusly.
While I had certain doubts about the first term, I had none about the second other than trying to decide upon which term best described me - fat man, old fart, or a bore. While my physician will agree with my that I am fat, I am sure that she would be the first to point out that I am not the fattest man in the world, or by what I've seen, even the fattest patient she has. She would certainly continue arguemtn on into the next descriptive statement as well. I am not the oldest man in the world, that much is true. And while I've never thought to ak her if I'm a bore, I'm quite sure that she is far too polite to tell me if I was. But note, I did not consider labelling myself the fattest man, the oldest man or the most borish man (though I thought about this last one a little bit longer than the other two). It's all relative and in this case very personal, so back off.

If you've read this far, a warning dear reader - I have decided to throw off the oppressive shackles of our spell-checking overlords. I am sure that spell-checkers are the first incarnation or manifestation of Skynet and that unless we start fighting them now, the terminator androids are going to start popping up. Plus, I've been to college, I should at least be able to proof-read my own writing and use a dictionary if the need arises.

I've decided to swear off trying to be a writer. "Eric," an acquantince might ask, "what do you do?" To which I might respond, "I'm trying to be a writer." She may politely respond, "Oh, how droll." and then wander off to determine if the plant in the corner is real or plastic.
How can one even try to be a writer? I'm sure Master Yoda is speaking as loudly in your head as in mine, "Do or do not. There is no try." Let me digress for a moment to point out that this quote is so over-used to motivate people, young and old alike, that it is quickly becoming a cliché, if it hasn't already. What most people don't know is that this is not the whole quote. "Do not try. Do or do not. There is no try." Sure, it essentially means the same thing, but to someone not reading the full meaning of the quote and only looking at the lines, it could seem as if Yoda were actually endorsing Homer Simpson's motto.
I do write stuff, that much is true. But, that only makes me a writer in the same way that I'm a television viewer, eater, walker, breather, sleeper, typer, shitter, snorer, etc. And yes, I'm fully aware that some of those words are not the traditional choice, but remember, I'm throwing off the overlords.
I guess I want to be a writer. No, that's not true, I want to be a Writer. Laterly, I've come to realize that this is totally flawed and very unlikely to occur. I should want to write things. It would be nice if eventually other people decided that they might like to read those things and were somehow able to get their hands on a copy, at least metaphorically speaking. It would be simply outstanding if someone were to agree with me, and prove their sincerity by offering and delivering to me a monetary recompense. I think that's the only way it can work, at least for me. For 25 years I've had my head all wrong. I like telling stories and/or sharing feelings, but I'm lazy.
Wow. There it is. It's funny how the truth can just jump out an bite you on the ass.
But, I think there's more to it, knowing myself as I do. I have the capability to knuckle down and get things done. Since my vision troubles started a couple of years ago, I've put considerable effort into many things that before were very easy for me, including the act of writing. I guess I should clarify lazy, or at least qualify it. I am lazy in seeing things through to the end. I spend a lot of time in the act of reading and writing, but I rarely see personal projects through to the end.
Okay, now I"m getting somewhere.
Why don't I see my projects through to the end? How can I ever hope to sell a book if I don't finish writing the bleeding thing? What am I afraid of?
Geting closer I think...
Well, if I"m afraid to see things through to the end that important to me, it may very well be that I'm afraid of the conclusion, or more exactly how the conclusion will be regarded by others. What if the person I hold in the higest regards reads something I've written and tells me, "Oh. How, ummm, interesting." And then goes to watch television ending the discussion forever? I think I would be crushed beyond the point of return.
I guess I should consider myself lucky that the people I hold in high regards want nothing to do with me. Thank the universe for small things.
I guess, "I'm just a sucker with low self-esteem."
Whatever. There are hidden issues here that I don't want to write about at this time. I don't need to go into why I might have low esteem at this time. I will not do to cry all over the keyboard.

...to be continued...