Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter (2012)

Maybe this says more about me than the movie, but I spent a fair portion of this film worried that future generation were going to take this movie the wrong way and think people from the first part of the 21st century really believed in vampires and that Abraham Lincoln hunted them. Or maybe when the apes have risen up to run the world while keeping humans as slaves and food for their pet vampires, they'll just watch this and laugh, thinking about how we humans were always so busy worrying about the vampires that we failed to see what was going on right under our noses until it was too late and an orangutan had been nominated as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, but the first gorilla President.
I also found myself questioning the facts of the movie. Not the notion that there were vampires, or that Abraham Lincoln was a hunter of those vampires. There probably aren't vampires, but if there are I think we will find that Abraham Lincoln did indeed hunt them, much the same way that George Washington fought valiantly against the British werewolves in the War of Independence. No, I was hung up on whether Mary Todd was really dating Stephen Douglas when she met Abraham Lincoln and if Harriet Tubman was portrayed as the correct age when she meets Lincoln. I decided that she wasn't, if she was human, but if she was one of the vampire freedom fighters who hated the bad guy vampires that she looked about right.
I was a wee bit bothered by the way the vampires were handled. I understand that to weave them into history or to expose their place in history I should say, that it is necessary to have them be out and about in daylight, but really? Vampires in daylight? Why not just make them all sparkly? I don't understand why the vampires just don't take over. They can walk in the light of the sun and turn invisible at will, not to mention being super humanly strong and fast. To create new vampires they just have to non-fatally bite someone who is not pure of heart. How could they not take over? Also, if the oldest vampire in the movie is five thousand years old, but the problem with silver didn't start until Judas betrayed Jesus, what was he doing for three thousand years?
It just occurred to me that this could be the blog post that leads to the inevitable future I fear. A vampire reads this and realizes, "holy shit! he's right! why am I pretending to be a pharmacist when I can just go to any frat party on any college campus and easily create several hundred news vampires." And then the vampire does this or something similar and the vampires start multiplying at a horrendous rate and the final war between humans and vampires begins. But, just as humans are about to be wiped out out and or enslaved forever, our newest President, Chelsea Clinton Vampire Hunter, destroys the vampire lord in a horrendous battle aboard Air Force One. She reveals to the public the use of silver against the vampire oppressors and the humans win just barely. Now, completely exhausted from fighting the vampires, the apes rise up and begin their take over of the world. I guess that would be my bad.
On the other hand, what if it's this post that convinces Chelsea Clinton to come clean about the vampire menace and start producing youtube videos that shows everyone in the world how to slay vampires with her gangnam style moves? In that case, you're welcome.
I have to say, the pressure of the fate of the human race aside, it was nice to see someone taking it to the vampires without using a katana. Katanas are so 20th century when it comes to dealing destruction to vampires. In the 21st century, its all about personalizing and using what's at hand, whether it be a silver bladed axe-shot gun or a nail gun shooting silver nails. That's how we roll.

Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter at IMDb