Ted (2012)

I knew nothing about this movie going in except the actors in it. I love Mark Wahlberg and Mila Kunis and I think that Joel McHale can be hilarious not to mention I've been a fan of Patrick Warburton since he was the Tick and then there's Giovanni Ribisi who is always worth watching. What I didn't know was that Patrick Stewart was going to be narrating, so as this movie starts I was excited for a dumb romp. I'm familiar with Seth MacFarlann, and while not a big fan, or really one at all, I thought that with the cast mentioned above that the movie might be pretty decent. About five minutes in, I realized that the DVD  box should have had a big warning sticker on it that said, "If you are over the age of 18 you need to be really high to enjoy this movie. Seriously." But, by the time I was about 30 minutes in, I realize that there would also need to be an additional sticker on the DVD case that said, "We strongly encourage all adults to be thoroughly high before beginning to watch this move, and to do the drugs you see being done on screen every time someone on screen does them." And then maybe to have a huge jug of wine for good measure.
I don't feel as soiled as I do after watching one of those Judd Apatow/Seth Rogan flicks, but I feel dirty. I felt like I was watching the Jerry Springer show - it was so awful that I couldn't look away. I don't mean the MST3K kind of awful that you can make fun of and end up enjoying. I mean the kind of crap where you're apologizing to yourself as you go along for subjecting yourself to this crap.
Sam Jones as Flash Gordon should have been ironic and hilarious. Ted Danson doing a fake interview about his years on Cheers could have been brilliant instead of homophobic. I will admit there were a couple of lines that Patrick Stewart uttered that were quite funny in the context of being said by Patrick Stewart. This movie should not have been so damned predictable. Especially since all of us adults were going to be so high from following the stickers on the case that we could have followed any plot twist and loved it. Oh, that's right. They didn't put the warning labels on, so we were completely sober while watching. Bastards.
On the plus side, Mila Kunis is easy on the eyes, and I think Norah Jones is super-duper hot. Yeah. So, those parts were good.

Ted on IMDb